fuck this

fuck you

five months later and you’re ready
you have that feeling
the feeling that you’re ready to take on a new challenge

“let’s see how this one does!” you say as you walk down the boulevard
with what looks like the newest face in your life
how about that
it’s like you know

it’s like you know it’ll stick like glue
and none of that preschool safety emlers crap
we’re talking heavy duty
tried and tested brown thick paste
the kind that’ll keep a solid gold bird feeder on a corroded fence for generations
liquid nails

that’s what this is to you
at least, that’s what I would think
you don’t seem to think that way

you try things out as they come
you’re the guinea pig
you’ve been everywhere and back
and yet you still go with the flow
and at the same time, against

you push the pendulum by moving with it
something no one could ever even fathom

and here you are
it’ll work, you say
and I say

yeah, it will
for a while

those liquid nails will materialize
and fester into something more realistic
they’ll melt behind the base
and seep through the back
running down your brain
from the limbic core down to the cortex
and from there out your eye sockets
down your cheeks
your neck
your chest
and now look at your toes
you’re standing in a puddle of your own optimism
your high hopes
your assumptions

that hot shot you thought you knew
you’ve seen nothing yet

just watch
or don’t
wherever the river tells you to run

here you are
and here am I
five months later
and I never left

might not seem like it
I know, I’ve been there
I’ve been in such a deep and dark place as that
you could pour your favorite beverage down my dumb deep dark depression hole
and you’d never see it again

but things change
things happen

sometimes hope just shows up
like the kid from across the street asking for his ball back
like an email from your long lost cousin
asking where you’ve been and what you’re studying in college

you didn’t ask for it, but you got it
it happens right after the moment you can’t get any deeper
someone or something just comes along and says “hey!
there’s something else
there’s other shit for you to screw up
and I’m gonna show you how to enjoy it”

I know you don’t believe me
but hey, you’ve listened to me whine and complain before
and look at me now

since you’ve given me the fucking time of day, I’m going to tell you a secret

you don’t need it

look, it caused you pain
you think it would be better if it just hung around?

I know it sucks
I know
I know

it will come
it will be at your door in the future
more than once, even

all you have to do
is wait

whenever that feeling comes
that oh-so-familiar feeling
that feeling that nothing could possibly come close to your pain
that entire armies could die for you and it won’t make a difference

whenever that feeling comes
just say “look!
this is shit
everything is shit
but I don’t need this shit
better shit is coming
and it will make me happy
and I will be so ready to see it
hello shit
I’m here for you”

patience, that’s all it is

it takes time, and I know

I know
any mention of that fucking word
causes the emotional volcano to ejaculate
but it’s real
and it’s all you have
take it
take time
it’ll take it from you
take it back
just wait

hope will come

sometimes I find myself wondering

“how is this even possible?

how am I able to sit here in my room and cry about a girl just because we happened to spend a good chunk of time together?
talking about old rock music and horror movies
and how our parents won’t be flexible with our personalities
how we’d come home and my mom would say
‘rooms off limits! you’re going to have to get creative.’

how is it possible for our parents to even think that way?
differently from ours
having no clue what kind of chemistry we had
no clue what love even was in our eyes

how was it even possible to love?
is love even real?

how am I able to think about all of these things whilst simultaneously thinking about what I could’ve done wrong?

did I do anything wrong?

was there even a possibility that anything could’ve gone wrong?

what even is that?

is anything possible?

and if so, how?

who did this?
who had the idea and the sense and the nerve to do a fucking thing like this?

to create a world full of beings who cried all over each other
to create a world of beings who questioned the world they lived on

why isn’t it easier?

why can’t I just

why can’t this just be

easier..”

that’s my mind
that’s how I think
I’d call it an enigma
but it just feels more like a junkyard

the junkyard you see in movies
the one with the torn couches and the broken blenders
and right on top of that glorious pile of shit
is that toy crown you’ve always wanted
the golden treasure
in a world of trash

I had that crown
but I threw it back in the pile
I didn’t realize it was treasure
and now I’m crying
just because of that one chunk
the everything thing

everything
is there
but only sometimes
is it here

Whenever I see you, you never look the same

Some days you wear that thin layer of black across your eyes
And some days you don’t
Some days your lips are glazed with that stunning shade of crimson
Other days they’re simply bare, pink and plump and ready to touch someone else who’s lucky enough to gain your favor
As hard as that may be

Some days you’re wearing a hat
Not always, but it’s definitely worth noting
It always has a brim, just slightly draping over those bright, bold eyes
As if to say, “come closer. only the brave deserve to bask in the glory of this visage.”

Some days your ears sport lovely little diamonds
Flashy, yet not enough to get a man too excited
A nice conversation piece
They hang right above your thoughts of disposition
Look at them
So distressing that you feel the need to hang a little sunshine over them
To scare them off

You forget about those depressing commodities when “oh hello! What nice earrings you’re wearing!”

And finally, some days, you wear nothing
A blank canvas ready to be written upon
Ready for a “once upon a time”
And more importantly, a “happily ever after”

It consumes me like a ravaging dog who’s found roadkill
Like a housecat who’s just been given her daily dose of beautiful processed tuna-look-a-like mush
Like the monsters we’d see in old horror movies
Like the beasts you’d read about

Like the maniacal cannibalistic stranger your parents always tell you about
Who kidnaps little children and takes them home
Only to be greeted by his exquisite collection of cutlery
And let’s not forget the guillotine

I’m Jonah
Swallowed by the giant crustacean that is my imagination
Holed up in the back of your throat
Surrounded by gums and krill
With no future to look forward to
Just endless endless spit

Yeah
I’m that fairytale
But without the happy ending
No blowhole
No savior
No projectile onto the beach and being left to rot
No Ninevah
Just everlasting spit

Gallons and gallons of spit

Whoever believes in me
Shall gain everlasting spit

So much

Watch it consume me
Devour me
The thought
Of you
With someone else

people are stupid

let’s think
how should i say this

your friend always told me what i wanted to hear
but now i have to think
did he just
…

in that one moment
the moment when i thought we both felt the exact same
were you
…

did you just give me a chance
just so i’d get away after you left?

why
i waited for too long

why would you want someone to treat you like dirt
what the fuck do you tell him

and see
yet
i still would give anything

but
still
is it true?

did you just

lie?

You were on a stage
Several noise machines were droning
You stood, stoic of the others

You pushed your hair back
It was blonde with green ends
I was unsure if it was intentional or not

One strum and you were off
Into the sky with colors and smoke
The others were mesmerized

You flew
Your parka blew in the artificial yet natural breeze
The impact you had on the atmosphere was
Remarkable

Watch the curtains
They make way
For you

“your eyes are all bloodshot”

Impossible
How in the world

The afterparty
You were on the couch, drinking or smoking, I can’t remember which
It was dark

I slowly edged up and all I heard was

“YOU.”

I felt the most warm embrace

And then
In that perfect moment
I longed for what happened next
But only then

Did I wake up

You xylo, you so no fi lo, you so, don go fi, you so fi no, you xylo no, you so, no fi, lo xylo, you so, you xo lo ni fo, oh lo, you so